Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Drawings from the 'Crowded House' show.
In other news, I'm so anxious I feel like vomiting and am fighting a sometimes crippling fear of failure.
I'm almost 26 years old! When am I going to start being a reliable, responsible human? I feel like I've been unsuccessful for so long that its never going to happen?
David Hanes said that Ryan Trecartin said that life is just about maintaining. I'd like to maintain a little bit better, thank you very much.
Also, sometimes its really hard to justify having a purpose, especially when you are like me and you can't entirely identify what that purpose is. Sometimes I know it so well, and other times I look around and wonder what the hell I'm doing, like, anywhere? Maybe this sounds kind of narcissistic or something but I always feel very on the outside of things. Like I'm kind of just observing life but not really participating in it. Even in groups of friends, relationships, my family. Its pretty rare that I ever get a sense of really 'belonging' or something and even still when I do it feels like I cheated, like I'm some sort of impostor.
Its not about being better or worse than anyone, either. And its not for lack of appreciating my friends or family or lovers I've had or anything like that. I kind of just feel a little lost and on the outside.
Is this a universal thing? Are we all a little like that Mersault dude from L'Etranger (plus or minus kind of being a sociopath)? What does it feel like to 'belong', to be part of something, or to really connect with another person? Is it just a moment or does it actually last longer than that?
Anyways, I don't really know, but I have to read some Clement Greenberg now so there's no more time for this kind of speculative dilly dallying. Also, on a more positive note, go see Shary Boyle's exhibit at the AGO. That lady blows my goddamn mind. She's the whole package.
Posted by Julia Dickens at 6:33 AM