Wednesday, September 29, 2010



Drawings from the 'Crowded House' show.

In other news, I'm so anxious I feel like vomiting and am fighting a sometimes crippling fear of failure.

I'm almost 26 years old! When am I going to start being a reliable, responsible human? I feel like I've been unsuccessful for so long that its never going to happen?

David Hanes said that Ryan Trecartin said that life is just about maintaining. I'd like to maintain a little bit better, thank you very much.

Also, sometimes its really hard to justify having a purpose, especially when you are like me and you can't entirely identify what that purpose is. Sometimes I know it so well, and other times I look around and wonder what the hell I'm doing, like, anywhere? Maybe this sounds kind of narcissistic or something but I always feel very on the outside of things. Like I'm kind of just observing life but not really participating in it. Even in groups of friends, relationships, my family. Its pretty rare that I ever get a sense of really 'belonging' or something and even still when I do it feels like I cheated, like I'm some sort of impostor.

Its not about being better or worse than anyone, either. And its not for lack of appreciating my friends or family or lovers I've had or anything like that. I kind of just feel a little lost and on the outside.

Is this a universal thing? Are we all a little like that Mersault dude from L'Etranger (plus or minus kind of being a sociopath)? What does it feel like to 'belong', to be part of something, or to really connect with another person? Is it just a moment or does it actually last longer than that?

Anyways, I don't really know, but I have to read some Clement Greenberg now so there's no more time for this kind of speculative dilly dallying. Also, on a more positive note, go see Shary Boyle's exhibit at the AGO. That lady blows my goddamn mind. She's the whole package.

5 comments:

Xenia said...

Don't worry JD, I feel like that all the time.... many people do. There's no such thing as getting your shit together. Happiness = perspective. Keep doing the thing you're good at and that you enjoy and things will fall into place in the way that's best for YOU. No other standards matter.

Julia Dickens said...

I know everyone feels like this, but its reassuring to know sometimes. I feel like there's this mask many people put up of having all their shit together and it makes me feel nervous and incompetant? Thank you, Xenia, it's important for me to hear that.

hughmater said...

keep doing your shit julia! you pop up in my minds as someone who has their shit together (at least to some extent), you must wear the mask too.

i love your drawings and i always look forward to seeing what you do next.

try not to worry

DFMH said...

STRENGTH.

angela anne said...

saw your artwork in the halls of OCAD, loved them more in person!
good job :)